


clementine

by gilliestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, aka dean finally stops being an idiot, based on the spoilers that cas leaves the brothers in s15, but these boys finally get their happy ending, really really soft and sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 20:37:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21003803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gilliestiel/pseuds/gilliestiel
Summary: "I'm sorry I took so long."(Or: Dean apologizes, and Cas finally comes home.)





	clementine

**Author's Note:**

> hi friends
> 
> the angsty deancas tension in 15x01 made me sad, and the fact that cas ends up leaving in a few eps makes me even sadder SO i wrote this to make myself feel better. i hope it makes y'all feel better too.
> 
> (based loosely off the song 'clementine' by halsey)

_“You okay?”_

_“Yes, but--”_

_“Good.”_

While the bunker sleeps, Dean remains awake. He sits under a slowly dimming light with a bulb that needs to be changed, his hand resting on the side of a beer bottle. Normally, he’d down two or three in one go, but tonight is different. He can’t seem to muster the energy to lift the bottle to his lips and take a single sip, which is worrying, because drinking is what he relies on to take the pain away.

It wasn’t always. For a while there, he had something else -- _someone_ else, anyway. But that someone is gone, and it’s Dean’s fault, and he’s not entirely sure how to fill the hole in his heart this time around.

_“I’m leaving.”_

_Dean looks up from his laptop, those words piquing his interest slightly more than the article about an apparent ghost sighting in Denver._

_“Excuse me?”_

_Cas shifts awkwardly, his eyes trained to the floor. He’s been doing that a lot lately -- refusing to look Dean in the eye._

_“I believe I am no longer of any use to you or Sam,” he states. “So I’m leaving.”_

_Dean’s eyebrows knit together, his mind swept up in a whirlwind of emotions. He’s angry. Confused. He’s not quite sure he’s hearing Cas right. Why would he leave? Why now?_

_“Cas, what the hell?” Dean doesn’t intend to raise his voice at the angel, but it happens. It’s been happening a lot during these past few weeks, and he knows it’s not fair to the angel, but he can’t help it. His mom, she… It wasn’t that long ago. Holding a grudge is what he does, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want Cas around._

_Doesn’t he know that?_

_When Cas fails to reply, the anger gets a little louder, rushing through Dean’s veins like violent rain. He stands up, kicks his chair back, ignores the way Cas winces because_ what the hell.

_”You would leave me and Sam to fight every soul in hell_ on our own?” _He walks around the map table, approaching Cas with fire in his eyes. “What the _fuck, _Cas?”_

__

__

_Cas winces, but the venom in Dean’s voice doesn’t stop him from lifting his head and meeting the hunter’s gaze. And for the first time in weeks, Dean sees it. He sees it all -- the pain, the frustration, the heartbreak -- all in those blue eyes staring back at him._

_“You said us against every soul in Hell,” Cas says simply. “And you said it to Sam. I’m not a part of_ us. _Maybe I never have been.”_

_“Okay, now you’re just not making any sense,” Dean snaps. But the thing is, he’s making perfect sense. Dean understands, and he wants to tell Cas that he needs him here, that they can’t do this without him, but the words die on his lips. He’s just still so angry._

_“I’m sorry it doesn’t make sense to you, Dean,” Cas says. “I wish I could put it into simpler terms for you.”_

_“So what? After everything, you just--” Dean gives his hand a frustrated wave. “You’re just going to throw all of it away?”_

_“It’s not like that,” Cas says. There’s the slightest twinge of desperation in his voice. Desperation to make Dean understand why he’s leaving. That it’s not because he’s given up on the brothers, or that he doesn’t want to fight this war with them._

_It’s because of something else._

_And Dean knows it._

_He’s just too afraid to see it._

_“Then what?” Dean demands. “What is it like?”_

_Cas shakes his head. He looks exhausted. He sounds exhausted, too, when those next few words fall from his tongue and bury themselves in Dean’s head._

_“You haven’t forgiven me,” he says. “And I understand. You need time and space to heal. And I -- Dean, I just want you to be happy again.”_

_Dean’s breath catches in his lungs. His eyes linger on Cas, unwavering, taking in his broken expression and he’s so_ sorry. _He’s sorry he hurt Cas. And he forgives him._

_Of course he fucking forgives him._

_“Cas--”_

_“Goodbye, Dean.”_

It’s been weeks. Dean has tried praying. Over and over again, he’s locked his hands together and closed his eyes and begged for Cas to come back. _We need you,_ he’s said. _We can’t do this without you, Cas. Please._

Sam says he’ll be back. Says he just needs time.

_Time we don’t have,_ Dean thinks bitterly. Every day, there’s at least fifty stories in the news that could be their kind of thing. A case. But it’s too much. They can’t possibly take on all these souls from Hell, not just the two of them. And yeah, sure, they have Rowena, and a few other hunters helping out as often as they can -- but none of those people are Cas.

Dean stands up, leaving his untouched bottle on the kitchen table as he retreats to his room. He gently shuts the door behind him, careful not to wake Sam in the next room, before lowering himself onto the edge of his mattress. He heaves a deep sigh and buries his face in his hands.

_”You’re dead to me.”_

Cas should’ve told them about Jack.

Jack killed his mother.

But Dean forgave Jack, he chose not to kill him -- and yeah, maybe that’s what got them into this whole mess with God and a brand new apocalypse -- but there’s no way he could’ve pulled that trigger.

Jack was their son.

_Theirs._

And Cas never spoke up because he just wanted to protect him.

“I know why you did it, Cas,” Dean whispers. Another prayer. He knows it’ll go unheard and unanswered, but he doesn’t know what else to do. He has to do _something_, even if it’s just speaking to his bedroom wall. 

“I know why you kept the truth about Jack a secret from us,” he continues. “I get it. Okay? I forgive you, I forgive Jack, I’m… I miss her, Cas, but it’s not your fault she’s gone. It’s not.”

He pauses. The words sliding past his tongue are starting to taste stale. It didn’t take long after Cas left for Dean to utter them the first time, and he knows, somehow, it’s not really what Cas wants to hear.

_”It’s not your fault.”_

_“I forgive you.”_

_“Just come back already, Cas.”_

_“Damn it, Cas, why aren’t you listening?”_

Dean lowers his hands onto his lap. He sits there quietly for a few minutes, maybe an hour, he’s not really sure. In that span of time, he spaces out, not really feeling anything. Trying to ignore the ache in his heart.

And then -- just like that -- it all comes crashing down on him.

“Cas.” His voice breaks when he says the name, and he should really stop before the tears fall, but the feelings just keep coming. “I’m scared, man. Sam, he’s -- there’s something wrong. That bullet wound, it _did_ something to him. And I -- I don’t know how to win this fight, Cas. There’s too many of them. And it’s _God._ How are we supposed to beat God?”

He inhales deeply, desperate to steady himself, but it’s far too late. He wipes a tear away with a trembling hand.

“You were always a part of _us_, Cas,” he mutters. “And I -- I know I made you feel differently. And I’m _sorry_, okay? I am. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. That’s not the first time I’ve been a dick to you, and you deserve better. For all the times you’ve busted your ass to save me and Sam, you deserve _so much fucking better._ And I’m sorry. It’s just -- I was angry. That’s not an excuse, but I was so angry that I lost my mom again and I couldn’t think straight. But you didn’t do anything wrong. You were never dead to me, Cas. Never. And you never will be.”

A shaky breath slips past his lips. He squeezes his eyes shut, tries to picture the angel in his mind.

He misses him.

He doesn’t really know what changed, but he knows he’s never missed Cas this badly before.

(Not since the time he was actually dead.)

“I can’t do this without you,” Dean whispers. “I know you said you wanted me to be happy again. But that’s the thing, Cas. I don’t think I know how to be happy without you.”

The tears slide down his cheeks.

They won’t stop.

“I need you, Cas,” he says. “I love you.”

The moment he says it, he feels a weight lifting off his chest. The hole in his heart is still there, but now he knows. He knows there’s only one thing, one _person_, really, who can fill that hole. And that person, that _angel_ \-- he’s not just a friend, or another hunter. He’s not just someone Dean calls when he needs help.

_”I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.”_

_“I did it -- all of it -- for you.”_

_“When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!”_

_“I’d rather have you. Cursed or not.”_

_“Never change.”_

_“I need you.”_

_“You mean too much to me.”_

_“I love you.”_

There it is.

“That took you long enough.”

Dean jumps up in surprise, nearly falling off the bed. It takes him a few seconds to realize who that voice belongs to, and a few more seconds to turn his head and face him.

“Cas,” he breathes. “You came back.”

The angel offers a little half-smile. He stands in the corner of Dean’s room, mostly hidden in the shadows, but it’s _him_ and he came back. He looks a little uncertain, like he’s not sure if Dean will start yelling at him again or not.

But Dean’s tired of yelling.

“I’m sorry,” Dean says. “Cas, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Cas steps out of the shadows, and those blue eyes of his look so relieved and so _happy_. Dean feels his heart begin to swell. “I know.”

Dean rises to his feet and approaches the angel with caution. There’s still some broken pieces that need mending, and still a lot that they both have to say.

“You… heard my prayer?”

“I heard all of them,” Cas says gently. “But this one… this one felt significant.”

“Yeah.” Dean shyly dips his head. “Yeah, it did to me, too.”

Cas takes a step forward, slowly closing the gap between them. Dean lifts his still wet eyes to the angel’s, his heart weakening under the pressure of a single realization.

He lets himself feel it all, for the very first time. It feels good, it feels _right_ \-- but he’s not sure Cas feels the same way.

“I love you too, you know,” the angel says.

“I know,” Dean says. “I know you do.”

“Try not to misunderstand me, Dean,” Cas says with a shake of his head. There’s a faint smile on his lips, though it looks almost exasperated, like he wishes Dean would just _finally_ understand. “The love I feel for you… well, it’s different. And I think it’s different for you, too.”

Dean exhales, a little surprised, swept up in the ocean of Castiel’s gaze. His heart rate quickens, his hands itch to reach out and hold onto Cas, and he knows.

(Although maybe, on some level, he’s always known.)

“I’m sorry,” he says, and he fears he’s about to break apart again. The tears return at full force, and he turns his head away, doesn’t want Cas to see him cry. “I’m sorry I took so long.”

“Dean.” Squinting through the mistiness in his eyes, Dean can barely see a thing, but he can feel it. The arms that wrap tightly around him and pull him against a chest, a chest that feels warm and safe. “You don’t have to apologize anymore.”

“You’ve always been there, Cas,” Dean says with a shattered voice. “Ever since you pulled me out of Hell. And I -- I never could’ve done it without you, man. I love you and I’m--” He wraps his arms around Cas, grabbing a fistful of the angel’s trenchcoat in both hands. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner. I’m sorry I pushed you away, Cas, and I’m never gonna stop apologizing for that, because you deserve so much fucking better.”

Cas pulls away slightly. Tentatively, he lifts a hand and places it against the side of Dean’s face.

“Dean.” The kindest smile forms on his lips, a smile that mends the pain in Dean’s chest with ease. “Don’t you get it? You _are_ better. You taught me how to live freely, how to _love_, and you were by my side the entire time. You should really give yourself a little more credit, because the way I feel when I’m with you… well, I think that’s what saved me the first time around.”

Dean stares at him. And after a moment, through the tears still shining in his eyes, he finds the strength to smile back.

“Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” Cas says. “But I want you to understand why I did it. After… after Mary, you were in a lot of pain. But you were pushing that pain down, as you do, and not letting yourself feel anything. I couldn’t watch you do that to yourself anymore. You needed to start the healing process, Dean, and you needed to do it on your own.”

“I know,” Dean says. “I was really unfair to you, Cas. And you’re right. I didn’t know how else to deal with my crap other than to bury it. But I’m so damn _tired_ of that. I just want to feel something again. Something other than this goddamn hole in my chest.”

“Then do it,” Cas says, softly. “Feel what you want to feel.”

The gap between them is nearly closed, less than an inch of breathing room between their faces. Startled by the sound of his racing heart, Dean holds onto Cas in every way he knows how. He holds the angel’s gaze in his own, enthralled by the deepest shade of blue, and Cas doesn’t look away. And Dean, well, he’s _afraid_, and he can’t think straight anymore, but he’s tired of thinking. He doesn’t take much notice of his own hands grabbing onto Cas’s shoulders, of the angel’s hands finding a space to rest on Dean’s waist.

Dean breathes in deeply, and he smiles, and finally, _finally_ lets himself feel what he’s always wanted to feel.

He kisses Cas tenderly at first, a soft joining of the lips that’s full of uncertainty. Cas is the one who lets Dean know that it’s okay, that it’s right. _You can do better than that, Dean,_ the hunter can almost hear him say.

So he does.

He deepens the kiss, his hungry lips finally grabbing onto what they’ve craved for a decade now. Those feelings he’s always wanted to feel come rushing in, replacing the violent rain in Dean’s veins with steady spring showers and new beginnings.

Dean moves his hands first to the sides of Cas’s face, and then suddenly they’re tangled in his hair. Cas just keeps pulling Dean closer, like he never intends to let him go, and Dean hopes he doesn’t. He hopes the angel -- _his_ angel -- stays here, completely and utterly bonded with him, no doubts, no regrets. It’s all they’ve both ever wanted.

Dean’s not afraid. Not anymore.

He doesn’t know how long the kiss lasts before he breaks away, panting a little. Cas looks at him, a fire alive in his eyes, his lips a bit swollen. Dean’s hands are still in his hair, and he gently brings their foreheads together.

“Cas,” he whispers.

“Yes, Dean?”

“I’m…” He lets out a little laugh, his hands sliding back down to Cas’s shoulders. “I’m just pretty fucking happy right now.”

Cas smiles. “That’s all I ever wanted.”

The angel is the one who initiates the second kiss, and they hold onto each other as everything falls into place. Even though the world outside is coming to an end, even though the future is dark and unknown, at least they’re finally together.

At least they’re finally happy.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading <3
> 
> kudos & comments are greatly appreciated :')
> 
> p.s. follow me on twitter @winchesterjhs


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